Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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