I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
