she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
