wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
