I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
