On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
