I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
