____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
