Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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