My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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