I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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