Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
