if you like me you must not know who I am
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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