glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
