I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
