All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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