We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
