Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize