Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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