Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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