Michael Bay diarrhea
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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