Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
