I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
