we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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