I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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