I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
