I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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