im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
