I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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