end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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