now i know why i became what i already was.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
