highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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