you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
