I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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