i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
