You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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