One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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