I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
