did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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