i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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