so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
