i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
