I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
