take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
