Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
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Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
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First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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