i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
