got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Someone stole a lamp last night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
