Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
