I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
be right there i have to get my cape
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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