I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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