She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
