he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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