why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
