vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just want to make out with him forever
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
