I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
