if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
