he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
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Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
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You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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