i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
